Helloooo Newman: Recession

Helloooo Newman: Recession: What if I'm feeling down, but not really, really down? I'm not in a depression. More like a recession. Can I take anti-recessants?...

Recession

What if I'm feeling down, but not really, really down? I'm not in a depression. More like a recession.

Can I take anti-recessants?

Helloooo Newman: Power Paul

Helloooo Newman: Power Paul: The world needs me. I'm going into Paulitics.

Power Paul

The world needs me.

I'm going into Paulitics.

Helloooo Newman: Kim Jong-un believeable

Helloooo Newman: Kim Jong-un believeable: The North Korean regime finally admitted that their dear leader does not operate outside of the laws of physics. It turns out that Kim ...

Kim Jong-un believeable

The North Korean regime finally admitted that their dear leader does not operate outside of the laws of physics.

It turns out that Kim cannot, after all, bend time and space. Interestingly though, he can bend a 260 mile Twinkie and insert it in his mouth. That's the length of the Korean DMZ and Kim's ego.

Upon hearing this, the song Break it to Them Gently came to mind. By Burton Cummings. There's also a song by Brenda Lee called Break it to Me Gently, which would do fine too, but kind of before my time.

I really wish they would have properly prepared the world for this startling news. You can't just go and break illusions like that and expect things to go on like tickety-boo.

To quote the regime: Kim cannot disappear, bend space and reappear somewhere else. That's impossible."

The real scandal is that they are wrong about this. General Relativity does, indeed, predict wormholes, which would allow you to travel huge distances in a short time by warping space. Keep in mind that space warps in the presence of a huge mass, like Kim's stomach. Of course, you need to build an Einstein-Rosen Bridge, which I'm told doesn't come cheap, and you can't even drive your car over it. It would cost way more to build than the Chunnel did, and at the end of it you can't buy a freshly baked croissant.

But just imagine, in the morning you can get from your bed to the coffee maker instantly. Not quite fast enough for me, but it'll have to do.

Maybe Kim is short-selling himself. Has he ever tried travelling through a wormhole? He is, after all, Rocket Man. Would he fit in one? What would it do to his hair?

Important questions that science needs to answer.

Helloooo Newman: Pandemic Twister

Helloooo Newman: Pandemic Twister: Yesterday we played Twister with social distancing. Some call it yoga.

Pandemic Twister

Yesterday we played Twister with social distancing. Some call it yoga.

Helloooo Newman: Golf Nut

Helloooo Newman: Golf Nut: I'm so glad golfing is back. I can continue to practice socially distancing the ball from the hole.

Golf Nut

I'm so glad golfing is back. I can continue to practice socially distancing the ball from the hole.

Helloooo Newman: Masked Singer

Helloooo Newman: Masked Singer: Watch out for the new show The N95 Masked Singer .

Masked Singer

Watch out for the new show The N95 Masked Singer.

Helloooo Newman: Flies me to the Moon

Helloooo Newman: Flies me to the Moon: I hope the black flies have read about social distancing.

Flies me to the Moon

I hope the black flies have read about social distancing.

Helloooo Newman: Pandemic Surgery

Helloooo Newman: Pandemic Surgery: People who want an apandectomy want all the restrictions removed.

Pandemic Surgery

People who want an apandectomy want all the restrictions removed.

Helloooo Newman: Beefs

Helloooo Newman: Beefs: Now that I'm a vegetarian, I have to give up all my beefs about the world.

Beefs

Now that I'm a vegetarian, I have to give up all my beefs about the world.

Helloooo Newman: Murder Hornets

Helloooo Newman: Murder Hornets: Many scientists are pushing back on the exaggerated danger of murder hornets. With a good lawyer, the hornets have argued their crimes down ...

Murder Hornets

Many scientists are pushing back on the exaggerated danger of murder hornets. With a good lawyer, the hornets have argued their crimes down to class-bee misdemeanors.

Helloooo Newman: Visiting Hours

Helloooo Newman: Visiting Hours: I'm so desperate to have someone over to chat with, I think I'd even invite Charles Manson over. If he weren't already dead. Or ...

Visiting Hours

I'm so desperate to have someone over to chat with, I think I'd even invite Charles Manson over. If he weren't already dead. Or maybe it would be a better visit that way.

What would we talk about, I wonder? Did you know he actually wrote a song that the Beach Boys recorded? But they changed the words and Mr. Manson got really mad. He gave Dennis Wilson, once a fan of Charles, a bullet to express his displeasure.

I'd definitely ask Mr. Manson about that, since questions like, "What do you think of the weather we're having" probably wouldn't interest a guy that has anger issues the size of the Big Bang.

Oh, and when Mr. Manson presented Mr. Wilson with the bullet, Mr. Wilson beat the crap out of Mr. Manson.

I'd do that too. After a nice conversation, I'd beat the crap out of Mr. Manson. But I wouldn't stop until he couldn't converse anymore.

Sigh. I miss having people over.

Helloooo Newman: Back in Black

Helloooo Newman: Back in Black: There he goes with black face again. When will he learn?

Back in Black

There he goes with black face again. When will he learn?

Fighting Spirit

For some reason my Facebook feed is showing short fight scenes from all kinds of different movies.

Finally, I'm learning something useful on Farcebook.

Sorry. Facebook.

Helloooo Newman: Fighting Spirit

Helloooo Newman: Fighting Spirit: For some reason my Facebook feed is showing short fight scenes from all kinds of different movies. Finally, Facebook is useful.

Helloooo Newman: Covid Cure

Helloooo Newman: Covid Cure: Here's a tip: If you're fighting covid, you want to inject yourself with bleach but the store was all sold out? Try watching Fox New...

Covid Cure

Here's a tip: If you're fighting covid, you want to inject yourself with bleach but the store was all sold out? Try watching Fox News for an hour. Same effect. No needles.

Helloooo Newman: No Warning

Helloooo Newman: No Warning: If there are people who actually need to be told to refrain from injecting bleach into their body, perhaps I'm doing them a favour by no...

No Warning

If there are people who actually need to be told to refrain from injecting bleach into their body, am I really doing them a favour by warning them?

Helloooo Newman: Die and Go to New Zealand

Helloooo Newman: Die and Go to New Zealand: God has issued a statement saying that Heaven is now located in New Zealand.

Die and Go to New Zealand

God has issued a statement saying that Heaven is now located in New Zealand,
and there's limited space.

Helloooo Newman: Future Tense

Helloooo Newman: Future Tense: I wish I had a promising future to look back on.

Future Tense

I wish I had a promising future to look back on.

Helloooo Newman: Dry Quarantine

Helloooo Newman: Dry Quarantine: I read an article from this expert psychologist who suggested one shouldn't drink while in quarantine during this very stressful time. ...

Dry Quarantine

I read an article from this expert psychologist who suggested one shouldn't drink while in quarantine during this very stressful time.

It wasn't explained why he gave up his job as a standup comedian, but he's clearly very good at it. Especially these days we could all use a good laugh.

Quarantine advisor? Not so much.

Helloooo Newman: Pull Up Your Socks

Helloooo Newman: Pull Up Your Socks: New Zealand Prime Minister has almost eliminated Covid and has reduced her salary by 20%. Canadian Prime Minister has yet to pull up his nic...

Pull Up Your Socks

New Zealand Prime Minister has almost eliminated Covid and has reduced her salary by 20%. Canadian Prime Minister has yet to pull up his nice socks and lower his salary.

Helloooo Newman: If The Sock Fits

Helloooo Newman: If The Sock Fits: First item on my xmas list. Pair of dress socks for Mr. Trudeau.

If The Sock Fits

First item on my xmas list. Pair of dress socks for Mr. Trudeau.

Helloooo Newman: I Miss My Dentist

Helloooo Newman: I Miss My Dentist: I miss my dentist. The smell of burning tooth enamel. The curvy plastic chair with the headrest that bends my spine in unnatural ways. Ans...

I Miss My Dentist

I miss my dentist.

The smell of burning tooth enamel. The curvy plastic chair with the headrest that bends my spine in unnatural ways. Answering questions with mmmmmfhgmmfmmhgfdm.

I use to want to instill in her the pain she so effortlessly cast upon me. Imagine Lord Voldemort with a dental degree. Now she's a long lost love. Imagine The Notebook. (Unfortunately, I'm not Ryan Gosling)

How can it be I was so lucky to get out? Now I'm doing everything possible to qualify for emergency dental care and visit someone without getting a socializing ticket. Timbits chased with coke.

I need to feel something. I need pain. Can you drill just a bit deeper? I don't wanna go home.

I miss my mechanic, too. He rotates my tires as I rotate my credit cards to pay for it. I need a new engine? Fine. Just please take 12 hours to do it. I don't wanna go home.

Other fun things I miss: lining up to renew my licence; buying my wife lady products; walking by Victoria's Secret and feigning disinterest; running into old high school friends; using a public washroom on the TTC.

I miss the good old days.

Helloooo Newman: Overcrowded

Helloooo Newman: Overcrowded: This city is getting harder and harder to move around in. Yesterday I was walking down the sidewalk and I see someone 4 kilometres away, h...

Overcrowded

This city is getting harder and harder to move around in.

Yesterday I was walking down the sidewalk and, using my peripherals, I spot someone 4 kilometres away, heading straight for me. Good thing I had quality binoculars to confirm the sighting.

Jesus, I thought. Not another person. Shoulder to shoulder again.

Give me some space, dude.

I had 1 kilometre to figure out how I was going to navigate this near miss. Now I know how the Captain of the Titanic felt.

Why don't they stay home like everyone else?

For a second. Even less than a second, really. I thought maybe I should play Covid chicken with them. See who blinks first and crosses the street. I decided it was too soon to do something like this.

Turns out it was a mirage, associated with spending long days at home watching plants grow and videos on how they actually manufacture toilet paper. (it's a really loooong roll that they chop into smaller rolls)

Still. Gettin' damn crowded.

Helloooo Newman: Entertaining Ideas

Helloooo Newman: Entertaining Ideas: Last night I had a big party and entertained some new ideas. Some of them got really drunk, puked on my computer and fell asleep on the couc...

Entertaining Ideas

Last night I had a big party and entertained some new ideas. Some of them got really drunk, puked on my computer and fell asleep on the couch. How do I tell them they were terrible ideas?

I guess that's what I get for entertaining new ideas. Never again! I have lots of old ideas that I get along with really well. They're so predictable.

Oh sure, I might have a thought over for a short visit. Perhaps a notion, although I've rejected a lot of notions in the past. One time a concept came to visit, took some ecstasy and turned into reality. Scary.

Never have a brainstorm over for dinner. Very messy.

I once had a fling with an inkling, but it went nowhere.

Helloooo Newman: Snow White and the Five Dwarfs

Helloooo Newman: Snow White and the Five Dwarfs: For parents reading Snow White to their children, please inform your kids that there are now only 5 dwarfs and explain why. Sneezy is qua...

Snow White and the Five Dwarfs

For parents reading Snow White to their children, please inform your kids that there are now only 5 dwarfs and explain why.

Sneezy is quarantined and Doc is intubating him.

Helloooo Newman: Aretha Franklin

Helloooo Newman: Aretha Franklin: The question of the decade: Who's zoomin' who?

Aretha Franklin

The question of the decade: Who's zoomin' who?