Helloooo Newman: Get to the Chopper: I know, get to the chopper: Watching Predator for the four thousandth and oneth time:
HELLOOOO NEWMAN: Laughter is your sixth sense
Tuesday, 31 March 2020
Get to the Chopper
Get to the chopper, get to the chopper, but is it clean?:
Watching Predator for the four thousandth and oneth time:
Watching Predator for the four thousandth and oneth time:
Sunday, 29 March 2020
Helloooo Newman: Social Long Distancing
Helloooo Newman: Social Long Distancing: Maybe someone can help me out with this. I thought it was 6 feet away we are suppose to keep from each other. My wife tells me it's two ...
Social Long Distancing
Maybe someone can help me out with this. I thought it was 6 feet away we are suppose to keep from each other. My wife tells me it's two floors and 3 walls away, which has put me in the garage for the last two weeks.
Is that right?
Is that right?
Saturday, 28 March 2020
Helloooo Newman: Essential Drinking
Helloooo Newman: Essential Drinking: For years now when I get a physical, I tell my doctor that liquor is an essential service. Now that we can admit that, let's make it che...
Essential Drinking
For years now when I get a physical, I tell my doctor that liquor is an essential service. Now that we can admit that, let's make it cheaper.
Friday, 27 March 2020
Quarantine
I'v never found the L.L. Bean catalogue as interesting as I do now.
Let's not forget the J. Crew catalogue. It has an amazing Spring catalogue. Has a few sweater vests I have my eye on for those coldish Spring mornings. Paired with a snappy turtleneck, it's a killer wardrobe.
Things are looking up.
Monday, 23 March 2020
Helloooo Newman: Human Race
Helloooo Newman: Human Race: When rats go to work, I wonder if they complain about being stuck in the human race.
Helloooo Newman: Blind Date
Helloooo Newman: Blind Date: What happens when two blind people go on a date? Is that called a blind date? It can't be. Based on that criteria, we would have to...
Saturday, 21 March 2020
Helloooo Newman: Emojincy
Helloooo Newman: Emojincy: Hey, has anyone seen any toilet paper emojies around? This is my last roll.
Thursday, 19 March 2020
Helloooo Newman: Come Together
Helloooo Newman: Come Together: I like how this crisis is bringing people together, so long as they stay away from me.
Come Together
It's encouraging how this crisis is bringing people closer together,
so long as they stay 6 feet away from me.
so long as they stay 6 feet away from me.
Wednesday, 18 March 2020
Helloooo Newman: Six Feet Away, Not Under
Helloooo Newman: Six Feet Away, Not Under: In light of the social distancing rules, I will not tailgate for 3 months. Justin Trudeau announced that all Canadians who play Monopoly w...
Six Feet Away, Not Under
In light of the social distancing rules, I will not tailgate for 3 months.
Justin Trudeau announced that all Canadians who play Monopoly will start with a $5000 stimulus package to get the game going. If you buy houses, shelter in place. If you buy hotels, lay everyone off and close them.
A new edition of Twister will be sold in which players stand 6 feet apart and twist each other's words.
Canada Geese flying home will be required to fly 6 feet apart. Hummingbirds, 6 centimetres apart.
The game Dominoes will no longer be sold, as the pieces must be kept 6 feet apart, and nothing interesting will occur.
Stay six feet away, not six feet under.
Justin Trudeau announced that all Canadians who play Monopoly will start with a $5000 stimulus package to get the game going. If you buy houses, shelter in place. If you buy hotels, lay everyone off and close them.
A new edition of Twister will be sold in which players stand 6 feet apart and twist each other's words.
Canada Geese flying home will be required to fly 6 feet apart. Hummingbirds, 6 centimetres apart.
The game Dominoes will no longer be sold, as the pieces must be kept 6 feet apart, and nothing interesting will occur.
Stay six feet away, not six feet under.
Thursday, 12 March 2020
Helloooo Newman: End of Days
Helloooo Newman: End of Days: Is this virus the end of days? Really? Isn't the end of days already here because there's a show called The Masked Singer and Sara...
End of Days
Is this virus the end of days? Really?
Isn't the end of days already here because there's a show called The Masked Singer and Sarah Palin was one of the singers?
Hurry up and end the world.
Isn't the end of days already here because there's a show called The Masked Singer and Sarah Palin was one of the singers?
Hurry up and end the world.
Helloooo Newman: Washing My Hands of Everything
Helloooo Newman: Washing My Hands of Everything: I'm a little concerned that washing hands properly for many adults is a huge intellectual achievement. Actually, I'm really concerne...
Washing My Hands of Everything
I'm a little concerned that washing hands properly for many adults is a huge intellectual achievement. Actually, I'm really concerned. We just may be the only intelligent life in the universe, and we need videos to teach people how to wash their hands.
You want people to learn how to wash their hands? Take away the toilet paper. Everyone can wipe their ass with their hands. People will learn very quickly how to properly wash their hands.
You want people to learn how to wash their hands? Take away the toilet paper. Everyone can wipe their ass with their hands. People will learn very quickly how to properly wash their hands.
Tuesday, 10 March 2020
Helloooo Newman: Covid-19
Helloooo Newman: Covid-19: Donald Trump refuses to be tested for Covid-19 but agrees to be tested for Covfefe-19, and hopes he has it.
Covid-19
Donald Trump refuses to be tested for Covid-19 but agrees to be tested for Covfefe-19, and hopes he has it.
Monday, 9 March 2020
Helloooo Newman: Pandemic
Helloooo Newman: Pandemic: It's found in countries all over the world. On every continent but Antarctica. Millions are affected by it. Many don't show obvious ...
Pandemic
It's found in countries all over the world. On every continent but Antarctica. Millions are affected by it. Many don't show obvious symptoms.
Even the WHO agrees, although Roger Daltrey is a dissenter.
It's official. CNN is a pandemic.
Even the WHO agrees, although Roger Daltrey is a dissenter.
It's official. CNN is a pandemic.
Sunday, 8 March 2020
Helloooo Newman: Unfortunate Names
Helloooo Newman: Unfortunate Names: I guess Corona beer is kinda suffering the same fate as the discontinued product Ayds , the appetite-suppressant candy with an unfortunate n...
Unfortunate Names
I guess Corona beer is kinda suffering the same fate as the discontinued product Ayds, the appetite-suppressant candy with an unfortunate name.
Be careful what you name your product. Or your kids.
Be careful what you name your product. Or your kids.
Friday, 6 March 2020
Helloooo Newman: The Coronavirus Economy
Helloooo Newman: The Coronavirus Economy: STARTING TODAY: With every dog walk you get a bottle for Purell for $1,000.
The Coronavirus Economy
STARTING TODAY: With every dog walk you get a free bottle for Purell for $1,000.
Thursday, 5 March 2020
Helloooo Newman: A Touching Story
Helloooo Newman: A Touching Story: There once existed a world where doctors told people not to touch their face at all so they won't get sick. Let me speak for all men. ...
A Touching Story
There once existed a world where doctors told people not to touch their face at all so they won't get sick.
Let me speak for all men.
There are two places on my body I love to touch, and one of them is my face. If I can't touch that, then…
Let me speak for all men.
There are two places on my body I love to touch, and one of them is my face. If I can't touch that, then…
Wednesday, 4 March 2020
Helloooo Newman: Coronavirus
Helloooo Newman: Coronavirus: Doctors discover that you can get the coronavirus from watching news coverage about it.
Thursday, 27 February 2020
Helloooo Newman: Prison, Hollywood Style
Helloooo Newman: Prison, Hollywood Style: Harvey Weinstein has wisely hired a prison consultant. This consultant will explain to Harv that certain cinematic terms he is use to he...
Prison, Hollywood Style
Harvey Weinstein has wisely hired a prison consultant. This consultant will explain to Harv that certain cinematic terms he is use to hearing will have slightly different meanings.
Climax – you'll probably be too nervous to achieve this, but other inmates certainly will
Best boy – this will be your best boyfriend
Back story – the story you'll tell the doctor after weeks of anal sex
Bit parts – inmate's description of your nether region
Casting couch – will now be a casting bunk, or casting shower
Deadpan – with the shape you're in, this will be a bed pan
Foil – the drug packaging other inmates will ask you to stick up your ass
Gross – the food, the conditions, your life
Grindhouse film – self-explanatory
Juxtaposition – the favourite sexual position of death row inmates
Oscar bait – will now be jail bait
Sleeper – something you will never do
Tour de force – as you tour the prison you will be forced to have sex
Good luck!
Wednesday, 26 February 2020
Helloooo Newman: Tommy
Helloooo Newman: Tommy: This is Sammy and Angus. They are old. Combined, in human years, they are about 300, still younger than Keith Richards, and a lot bette...
Tommy
This is Sammy and Angus.
They are old. Combined, in human years, they are about 300, still younger than Keith Richards, and a lot better looking.
Angus, on the left, is blind. Sammy is deaf. Next weekend we are performing the rock opera Tommy to a live audience.
That's right. I'm the dumb one.
Just a few kinks to work out on the show, like not pooing during the pinball scene.
If you come to the show and you order popcorn, just make sure that really is butter on it.
Thursday, 20 February 2020
Helloooo Newman: Enterprise
Helloooo Newman: Enterprise: The most fun part of being on the starship Enterprise is that when you're riding the turbo lift and you stop at a floor where people are...
Enterprise
The most fun part of being on the starship Enterprise is that when you're riding the turbo lift and you stop at a floor where people are waiting, you can say, "Going sideways".
Friday, 14 February 2020
Helloooo Newman: Breakfast Television
Helloooo Newman: Breakfast Television: Man's understanding of our species' history, what we call archeology, has increased significantly in the last 50 years. We know th...
Breakfast Television
Man's understanding of our species' history, what we call archeology, has increased significantly in the last 50 years.
We know that early Man had to survive astoundingly bad conditions as they roamed the earth, including ice ages, floods, disease and a Mastodon horn through the groin as they hunted for scarce food. We are still learning how they managed to get from Africa to Europe and then North America.
Still, there are many fascinating and unanswered questions.
One of those nagging questions? How did early Man survive the death-inducing cold temperatures and 2-mile thick ice sheets that came with ice ages, all without the benefit of tips to keep warm by shows like Breakfast Television.
Did they have Cave Television?
Why, just today was a bone-chilling -20, and I survived because I overheard some of those handy tips on staying warm when it's cold, while ironing my long underwear.
Lots of warm clothing was at the top of the list. Layering. You know what? It works! But for some reason this slips my mind every year.
Staying inside is a big one too. That's a multi-step process. You have to get an education so that you get a job, which gives you money so you can afford a place that can be heated, and you have to pay for the heat. Again, this works very well for keeping warm.
There's nothing like heat for staying warm.
They missed a few, though. Spending your day on a subway grate does wonders for survival. Getting into a heated arguments is great, especially if you win the argument. And there's always those warm thoughts.
Canada today is the great nation it is because of these tips for keeping warm.
Keep up the important work, Breakfast Television.
We know that early Man had to survive astoundingly bad conditions as they roamed the earth, including ice ages, floods, disease and a Mastodon horn through the groin as they hunted for scarce food. We are still learning how they managed to get from Africa to Europe and then North America.
Still, there are many fascinating and unanswered questions.
One of those nagging questions? How did early Man survive the death-inducing cold temperatures and 2-mile thick ice sheets that came with ice ages, all without the benefit of tips to keep warm by shows like Breakfast Television.
Did they have Cave Television?
Why, just today was a bone-chilling -20, and I survived because I overheard some of those handy tips on staying warm when it's cold, while ironing my long underwear.
Lots of warm clothing was at the top of the list. Layering. You know what? It works! But for some reason this slips my mind every year.
Staying inside is a big one too. That's a multi-step process. You have to get an education so that you get a job, which gives you money so you can afford a place that can be heated, and you have to pay for the heat. Again, this works very well for keeping warm.
There's nothing like heat for staying warm.
They missed a few, though. Spending your day on a subway grate does wonders for survival. Getting into a heated arguments is great, especially if you win the argument. And there's always those warm thoughts.
Canada today is the great nation it is because of these tips for keeping warm.
Keep up the important work, Breakfast Television.
Monday, 10 February 2020
Helloooo Newman: Bess In Show
Helloooo Newman: Bess In Show: This is Bess , who we board quite often. She is a rescue from Greece, although I've been to Greece and I'm not sure why any dog w...
Bess In Show
This is Bess, who we board quite often. She is a rescue from Greece, although I've been to Greece and I'm not sure why any dog would want to leave that place. Gorgeous weather 24/7, don't pay any taxes – who needs that? I call it a dognapping, not a rescue.
Anyway, we board Bess for two reasons. Her owners go away occasionally, and she has a nasty coke habit that we're trying to coach her through. Here we caught her doing lines on our nice rug. Obviously she practices her "who me?" innocent face as often as she can. She lost half the coke in the rug fibers. Dumb dog. I told her to use the floor next time.
I'm currently sifting through the vacuum bag to find the coke so I can sell it.
She's an ex-drug sniffing dog and apparently I constantly have drugs in my crotch and up my butt.
She hopes to win Bess in Show some day – drug-free
Thursday, 6 February 2020
Helloooo Newman: Weather Drama
Helloooo Newman: Weather Drama: The Weather Network is no longer in the business of reporting the weather. It now creates weather drama shows, in hopes of more people click...
Weather Drama
The Weather Network is no longer in the business of reporting the weather. It now creates weather drama shows, in hopes of more people clicking on their site.
Hence the headline I read last week: Over half the Canadian population under storm threat.
So now we are counting the number of people affected by weather, and it's a big number. And shouldn't we define the word "threat"? What kind of threat? Does it threaten their travel time to Starbucks? Does it scuff their dress shoes or get them wet? Will my Netflix go down?
Here are some other bold headlines I suggest they use:
Over 10 trillion snowflakes will fall in a 24-hour period.
This weekend's rain storm will require 100 billion Bounty paper towel rolls to absorb. Bounty, the quicker picker-upper. (product placement here - $$$)
Lightning storm will produce enough power to drive 100,000 Tesla's from here to the moon and back 100 times, on auto drive, which screws up and you die in an accident.
This week, 100% of the Canadian population are under weather. And under the weather. Call in sick.
Hence the headline I read last week: Over half the Canadian population under storm threat.
So now we are counting the number of people affected by weather, and it's a big number. And shouldn't we define the word "threat"? What kind of threat? Does it threaten their travel time to Starbucks? Does it scuff their dress shoes or get them wet? Will my Netflix go down?
Here are some other bold headlines I suggest they use:
Over 10 trillion snowflakes will fall in a 24-hour period.
This weekend's rain storm will require 100 billion Bounty paper towel rolls to absorb. Bounty, the quicker picker-upper. (product placement here - $$$)
Lightning storm will produce enough power to drive 100,000 Tesla's from here to the moon and back 100 times, on auto drive, which screws up and you die in an accident.
This week, 100% of the Canadian population are under weather. And under the weather. Call in sick.
Wednesday, 5 February 2020
Helloooo Newman: Afterlife Insurance
Helloooo Newman: Afterlife Insurance: I bought afterlife insurance. In case I don't get into Heaven, it pays for a nice room in Hell with a view of the burning lava field and...
Afterlife Insurance
I bought afterlife insurance. In case I don't get into Heaven, it pays for a nice room in Hell with a view of the burning lava field and 3 very hot meals a day.
Saturday, 25 January 2020
Helloooo Newman: Hearing Test
Helloooo Newman: Hearing Test: I took a hearing test the other day. My doctor mentioned a bunch of books to me and I hadn't heard of any of them, so I failed the test....
Hearing Test
I took a hearing test the other day. My doctor mentioned a bunch of books to me and I hadn't heard of any of them, so I failed the test.
Helloooo Newman: Books
Helloooo Newman: Books: Recently I've been trying those books on paper. Have you tried those? They're amazing. Pages and everything. When you grab the page ...
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