Helloooo Newman: Prison, Hollywood Style: Harvey Weinstein has wisely hired a prison consultant. This consultant will explain to Harv that certain cinematic terms he is use to he...
HELLOOOO NEWMAN: Laughter is your sixth sense
Thursday, 27 February 2020
Prison, Hollywood Style
Harvey Weinstein has wisely hired a prison consultant. This consultant will explain to Harv that certain cinematic terms he is use to hearing will have slightly different meanings.
Climax – you'll probably be too nervous to achieve this, but other inmates certainly will
Best boy – this will be your best boyfriend
Back story – the story you'll tell the doctor after weeks of anal sex
Bit parts – inmate's description of your nether region
Casting couch – will now be a casting bunk, or casting shower
Deadpan – with the shape you're in, this will be a bed pan
Foil – the drug packaging other inmates will ask you to stick up your ass
Gross – the food, the conditions, your life
Grindhouse film – self-explanatory
Juxtaposition – the favourite sexual position of death row inmates
Oscar bait – will now be jail bait
Sleeper – something you will never do
Tour de force – as you tour the prison you will be forced to have sex
Good luck!
Wednesday, 26 February 2020
Helloooo Newman: Tommy
Helloooo Newman: Tommy: This is Sammy and Angus. They are old. Combined, in human years, they are about 300, still younger than Keith Richards, and a lot bette...
Tommy
This is Sammy and Angus.
They are old. Combined, in human years, they are about 300, still younger than Keith Richards, and a lot better looking.
Angus, on the left, is blind. Sammy is deaf. Next weekend we are performing the rock opera Tommy to a live audience.
That's right. I'm the dumb one.
Just a few kinks to work out on the show, like not pooing during the pinball scene.
If you come to the show and you order popcorn, just make sure that really is butter on it.
Thursday, 20 February 2020
Helloooo Newman: Enterprise
Helloooo Newman: Enterprise: The most fun part of being on the starship Enterprise is that when you're riding the turbo lift and you stop at a floor where people are...
Enterprise
The most fun part of being on the starship Enterprise is that when you're riding the turbo lift and you stop at a floor where people are waiting, you can say, "Going sideways".
Friday, 14 February 2020
Helloooo Newman: Breakfast Television
Helloooo Newman: Breakfast Television: Man's understanding of our species' history, what we call archeology, has increased significantly in the last 50 years. We know th...
Breakfast Television
Man's understanding of our species' history, what we call archeology, has increased significantly in the last 50 years.
We know that early Man had to survive astoundingly bad conditions as they roamed the earth, including ice ages, floods, disease and a Mastodon horn through the groin as they hunted for scarce food. We are still learning how they managed to get from Africa to Europe and then North America.
Still, there are many fascinating and unanswered questions.
One of those nagging questions? How did early Man survive the death-inducing cold temperatures and 2-mile thick ice sheets that came with ice ages, all without the benefit of tips to keep warm by shows like Breakfast Television.
Did they have Cave Television?
Why, just today was a bone-chilling -20, and I survived because I overheard some of those handy tips on staying warm when it's cold, while ironing my long underwear.
Lots of warm clothing was at the top of the list. Layering. You know what? It works! But for some reason this slips my mind every year.
Staying inside is a big one too. That's a multi-step process. You have to get an education so that you get a job, which gives you money so you can afford a place that can be heated, and you have to pay for the heat. Again, this works very well for keeping warm.
There's nothing like heat for staying warm.
They missed a few, though. Spending your day on a subway grate does wonders for survival. Getting into a heated arguments is great, especially if you win the argument. And there's always those warm thoughts.
Canada today is the great nation it is because of these tips for keeping warm.
Keep up the important work, Breakfast Television.
We know that early Man had to survive astoundingly bad conditions as they roamed the earth, including ice ages, floods, disease and a Mastodon horn through the groin as they hunted for scarce food. We are still learning how they managed to get from Africa to Europe and then North America.
Still, there are many fascinating and unanswered questions.
One of those nagging questions? How did early Man survive the death-inducing cold temperatures and 2-mile thick ice sheets that came with ice ages, all without the benefit of tips to keep warm by shows like Breakfast Television.
Did they have Cave Television?
Why, just today was a bone-chilling -20, and I survived because I overheard some of those handy tips on staying warm when it's cold, while ironing my long underwear.
Lots of warm clothing was at the top of the list. Layering. You know what? It works! But for some reason this slips my mind every year.
Staying inside is a big one too. That's a multi-step process. You have to get an education so that you get a job, which gives you money so you can afford a place that can be heated, and you have to pay for the heat. Again, this works very well for keeping warm.
There's nothing like heat for staying warm.
They missed a few, though. Spending your day on a subway grate does wonders for survival. Getting into a heated arguments is great, especially if you win the argument. And there's always those warm thoughts.
Canada today is the great nation it is because of these tips for keeping warm.
Keep up the important work, Breakfast Television.
Monday, 10 February 2020
Helloooo Newman: Bess In Show
Helloooo Newman: Bess In Show: This is Bess , who we board quite often. She is a rescue from Greece, although I've been to Greece and I'm not sure why any dog w...
Bess In Show
This is Bess, who we board quite often. She is a rescue from Greece, although I've been to Greece and I'm not sure why any dog would want to leave that place. Gorgeous weather 24/7, don't pay any taxes – who needs that? I call it a dognapping, not a rescue.
Anyway, we board Bess for two reasons. Her owners go away occasionally, and she has a nasty coke habit that we're trying to coach her through. Here we caught her doing lines on our nice rug. Obviously she practices her "who me?" innocent face as often as she can. She lost half the coke in the rug fibers. Dumb dog. I told her to use the floor next time.
I'm currently sifting through the vacuum bag to find the coke so I can sell it.
She's an ex-drug sniffing dog and apparently I constantly have drugs in my crotch and up my butt.
She hopes to win Bess in Show some day – drug-free
Thursday, 6 February 2020
Helloooo Newman: Weather Drama
Helloooo Newman: Weather Drama: The Weather Network is no longer in the business of reporting the weather. It now creates weather drama shows, in hopes of more people click...
Weather Drama
The Weather Network is no longer in the business of reporting the weather. It now creates weather drama shows, in hopes of more people clicking on their site.
Hence the headline I read last week: Over half the Canadian population under storm threat.
So now we are counting the number of people affected by weather, and it's a big number. And shouldn't we define the word "threat"? What kind of threat? Does it threaten their travel time to Starbucks? Does it scuff their dress shoes or get them wet? Will my Netflix go down?
Here are some other bold headlines I suggest they use:
Over 10 trillion snowflakes will fall in a 24-hour period.
This weekend's rain storm will require 100 billion Bounty paper towel rolls to absorb. Bounty, the quicker picker-upper. (product placement here - $$$)
Lightning storm will produce enough power to drive 100,000 Tesla's from here to the moon and back 100 times, on auto drive, which screws up and you die in an accident.
This week, 100% of the Canadian population are under weather. And under the weather. Call in sick.
Hence the headline I read last week: Over half the Canadian population under storm threat.
So now we are counting the number of people affected by weather, and it's a big number. And shouldn't we define the word "threat"? What kind of threat? Does it threaten their travel time to Starbucks? Does it scuff their dress shoes or get them wet? Will my Netflix go down?
Here are some other bold headlines I suggest they use:
Over 10 trillion snowflakes will fall in a 24-hour period.
This weekend's rain storm will require 100 billion Bounty paper towel rolls to absorb. Bounty, the quicker picker-upper. (product placement here - $$$)
Lightning storm will produce enough power to drive 100,000 Tesla's from here to the moon and back 100 times, on auto drive, which screws up and you die in an accident.
This week, 100% of the Canadian population are under weather. And under the weather. Call in sick.
Wednesday, 5 February 2020
Helloooo Newman: Afterlife Insurance
Helloooo Newman: Afterlife Insurance: I bought afterlife insurance. In case I don't get into Heaven, it pays for a nice room in Hell with a view of the burning lava field and...
Afterlife Insurance
I bought afterlife insurance. In case I don't get into Heaven, it pays for a nice room in Hell with a view of the burning lava field and 3 very hot meals a day.
Saturday, 25 January 2020
Helloooo Newman: Hearing Test
Helloooo Newman: Hearing Test: I took a hearing test the other day. My doctor mentioned a bunch of books to me and I hadn't heard of any of them, so I failed the test....
Hearing Test
I took a hearing test the other day. My doctor mentioned a bunch of books to me and I hadn't heard of any of them, so I failed the test.
Helloooo Newman: Books
Helloooo Newman: Books: Recently I've been trying those books on paper. Have you tried those? They're amazing. Pages and everything. When you grab the page ...
Books
Recently I've been trying those books on paper. Have you tried those? They're amazing. Pages and everything. When you grab the page with your hand, it practically turns itself. When you shine a light on the pages, they light up.
Amazing stuff.
Amazing stuff.
Friday, 24 January 2020
Helloooo Newman: The Donut Decision
Helloooo Newman: The Donut Decision: Coincidentally, when the scandal first hit I was sitting down to a nice donut. Justin Trudeau, in his efforts to glue Canada back togeth...
The Donut Decision
Justin Trudeau, in his efforts to glue Canada back together, decided to buy some donuts. Local donuts. The kind of quality donuts that makes a nation great, and worth holding together. The kind of delicious donuts that spurs legends and literature. Didn't Margaret Atwood just come out with a new book about donuts?
What really irks me is that Mr. Trudeau didn't spell out his donut platform during the election. Why didn't he outline his penchant for elite donuts? Why didn't the CBC press him on his donut policy? Because they're the media arm of the Liberal party, that's why.
Clearly he should have stated his views on donut purchases. That way the media could have poked holes in his donut decisions.
What are Mr. Trudeau's views on other delicacies? Beats me. Does he prefer Pillsbury Crescent Rolls, which mimic the croissant, or will he take Canada down the path of the real McCoy French croissant, full of butter, fat and health care costs?
Stay tuned. The twats on Twitter will keep us informed.
Wednesday, 22 January 2020
Helloooo Newman: Your Problems
Helloooo Newman: Your Problems: You see the tiny dot in the middle of the circle in this photo? You know what that is? It's earth, as seen from the Voyager II spac...
Your Problems
You see the tiny dot in the middle of the circle on this photo? You know what that is?
It's earth, as seen from the Voyager II spacecraft when it passed near Pluto. Minuscule, isn't it? Insignificant.
So when you think your problems are really huge and unsolvable, just remember – they are. Much bigger than the earth.
Helloooo Newman: World View
Helloooo Newman: World View: I took a ride on the ISS and found my world view changed.
Saturday, 18 January 2020
Helloooo Newman: Fireplace
Helloooo Newman: Fireplace: It's snowing in Toronto for the first time ever. Great day for the Fireplace channel.
Fireplace
It's snowing in Toronto for the first time ever. Great day for the Fireplace channel – in HD.
Friday, 17 January 2020
Helloooo Newman: Unlimited Data
Helloooo Newman: Unlimited Data: I asked God for unlimited data and he said, "Hey, no one lives forever except me."
Unlimited Data
I asked God for unlimited data and he said, "Hey, no one lives forever except me.
Also, you can't afford it."
Also, you can't afford it."
Tuesday, 14 January 2020
Helloooo Newman: Toddler Jesus
Helloooo Newman: Toddler Jesus: Have you ever seen a painting of the toddler Jesus? Nope. Only adult and baby versions. That's a shame. I have so many questions. ...
Toddler Jesus
Have you ever seen a painting of the toddler Jesus?
Nope.
Only adult and baby versions.
That's a shame. I have so many questions.
How quickly did He progress as a toddler? Did he go straight from crawling to walking on water? I figure He must have practiced even a little bit. Started walking on puddles so He wouldn't drown. Maybe even a puddle of His own urine. Then onto the bathtub. Neighbours swimming pool.
It occurred to me maybe He tried walking on ice first, just to be safe. Probably fell in a few times but kept going. Then I remembered it was probably hard to find ice in Bethlehem. I doubt the Inn down the road had an ice machine back then.
You know when you're in a dessert and you see that optical illusion that looks like shimmering water on the sand? I bet you Jesus was fooled by that. "Hey, I'm a gonna walk on that water." Then He falls flat on His face. Poor Jesus.
That took His self-esteem down a few pegs. Got Him ready for the nailing to the cross and being dead for 3 days.
Still, overall a gifted dude.
Nope.
Only adult and baby versions.
That's a shame. I have so many questions.
How quickly did He progress as a toddler? Did he go straight from crawling to walking on water? I figure He must have practiced even a little bit. Started walking on puddles so He wouldn't drown. Maybe even a puddle of His own urine. Then onto the bathtub. Neighbours swimming pool.
It occurred to me maybe He tried walking on ice first, just to be safe. Probably fell in a few times but kept going. Then I remembered it was probably hard to find ice in Bethlehem. I doubt the Inn down the road had an ice machine back then.
You know when you're in a dessert and you see that optical illusion that looks like shimmering water on the sand? I bet you Jesus was fooled by that. "Hey, I'm a gonna walk on that water." Then He falls flat on His face. Poor Jesus.
That took His self-esteem down a few pegs. Got Him ready for the nailing to the cross and being dead for 3 days.
Still, overall a gifted dude.
Monday, 13 January 2020
Helloooo Newman: Cooter Candle
Helloooo Newman: Cooter Candle: Want to get a jump on this year's Christmas shopping? Consider the cooter candle: https://www.insider.com/goop-candle-this-smells-lik...
The Cooter Candle
Want to get a jump on this year's Christmas shopping?
Consider the cooter candle: https://www.insider.com/goop-candle-this-smells-like-my-vagina-is-sold-out-2020-1
Penis-smelling matches (member matches - for members only) sold separately.
Consider the cooter candle: https://www.insider.com/goop-candle-this-smells-like-my-vagina-is-sold-out-2020-1
Penis-smelling matches (member matches - for members only) sold separately.
come on baby light my fire
Saturday, 11 January 2020
Helloooo Newman: Victoria's Secret Gets Out
Helloooo Newman: Victoria's Secret Gets Out: There's so much pressure around Christmas. Getting the right gift. Cooking the right meal. I was really sad to hear this. Victoria'...
Victoria's Secret Gets Out
There's so much pressure around Christmas. Getting the right gift. Cooking the right meal.
I was really sad to hear this. Victoria's Secret Christmas sales are down.
https://www.syracuse.com/business/2019/02/victorias-secret-closing-53-stores-after-bad-christmas.html
Jeez, I take one Christmas off from shopping there and look what happens. I feel really bad. It's so much pressure. All those lost jobs. I can only wear so many different outfits.
Sorry Victoria. Mum's the word.
I was really sad to hear this. Victoria's Secret Christmas sales are down.
https://www.syracuse.com/business/2019/02/victorias-secret-closing-53-stores-after-bad-christmas.html
Jeez, I take one Christmas off from shopping there and look what happens. I feel really bad. It's so much pressure. All those lost jobs. I can only wear so many different outfits.
Sorry Victoria. Mum's the word.
Friday, 10 January 2020
Helloooo Newman: Tongue Loss
Helloooo Newman: Tongue Loss: Do you snore? Relief is in sight. A new study on people with sleep apnea who snore found that these people have fat tongues, and this cont...
Tongue Loss
Do you snore? Relief is in sight.
A new study on people with sleep apnea who snore found that these people have fat tongues, and this contributes to their snoring. Just when you thought you looked good in that two piece bathing suit, everyone on the beach stares at your tongue. Oh man, it spills out of their mouth.
Get your tongue on diet and exercise.
Kind of a coincidence because one of my New Year resolutions is to do more pushups with my tongue. But it's so boring, and the floor tastes horrible.
I approached the YMCA with a new exercise class. It combines vigorous, carefully calibrated tongue movements with funky music.
Come and join the Tongue and Groove class.
10% off if you're in the middle of redoing your floors with tongue and groove wood.
A new study on people with sleep apnea who snore found that these people have fat tongues, and this contributes to their snoring. Just when you thought you looked good in that two piece bathing suit, everyone on the beach stares at your tongue. Oh man, it spills out of their mouth.
Get your tongue on diet and exercise.
Kind of a coincidence because one of my New Year resolutions is to do more pushups with my tongue. But it's so boring, and the floor tastes horrible.
I approached the YMCA with a new exercise class. It combines vigorous, carefully calibrated tongue movements with funky music.
Come and join the Tongue and Groove class.
10% off if you're in the middle of redoing your floors with tongue and groove wood.
Thursday, 9 January 2020
Helloooo Newman: At the End of the Day
Helloooo Newman: At the End of the Day: The world is in a terrible place these days. So much violence, predictions of doom and gloom and human extinction. But at the end of the d...
At the End of the Day
The world is in a terrible place these days. So much violence, predictions of doom and gloom and human extinction.
But at the end of the day, you have to say to yourself, "I'm going to bed."
But at the end of the day, you have to say to yourself, "I'm going to bed."
Helloooo Newman: Ten Billion
Helloooo Newman: Ten Billion: I'm compiling a list of the best 10 billion songs ever written. Stay tuned…
Tuesday, 7 January 2020
Helloooo Newman: Apple TV
Helloooo Newman: Apple TV: Apple TV is remaking Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs . It will be called iCloudy with a Chance of Upgrades.
Apple TV
Apple TV is remaking Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. It will be called iCloudy with a Chance of Upgrades.
Helloooo Newman: Toids
Helloooo Newman: Toids: If a planetoid is a small planet, I guess a hemorrhoid is a small hemorrh. I feel sorry for people that get hemorrhs.
Toids
If a planetoid is a small planet, I guess a hemorrhoid is a small hemorrh.
I feel sorry for people that get hemorrhs.
I feel sorry for people that get hemorrhs.
Helloooo Newman: A New Stage of Human Development
Helloooo Newman: A New Stage of Human Development: Developmental psychologists have discovered a new stage of human development. We're all familiar with the developmental stage called o...
A New Stage of Human Development
Developmental psychologists have discovered a new stage of human development.
We're all familiar with the developmental stage called object permanence. This occurs at age 4-7 months. Babies learn that an object keeps existing, even if it's hidden from view. So when daddy tries to hide his sex doll from mommy, the baby knows the doll is still there but, thankfully, can't tell mommy. Also, the baby is scarred for life.
The new stage occurs at age 55. It's called debt permanence. You wake up one day and realize, hey, just because you forgot to make that mortgage payment this month, it's still there, and it ain't nearly as much fun as a sex doll. Unless you like taking it up the ass by a bank.
Debt permanence. It still exists. It always will.
We're all familiar with the developmental stage called object permanence. This occurs at age 4-7 months. Babies learn that an object keeps existing, even if it's hidden from view. So when daddy tries to hide his sex doll from mommy, the baby knows the doll is still there but, thankfully, can't tell mommy. Also, the baby is scarred for life.
The new stage occurs at age 55. It's called debt permanence. You wake up one day and realize, hey, just because you forgot to make that mortgage payment this month, it's still there, and it ain't nearly as much fun as a sex doll. Unless you like taking it up the ass by a bank.
Debt permanence. It still exists. It always will.
Monday, 6 January 2020
Helloooo Newman: The Best Hangover Cure
Helloooo Newman: The Best Hangover Cure: This New Year's Eve I had intimate relations with a bottle of vodka. But. No hangover. Here's how it works. I woke up around 1...
The Best Hangover Cure
This New Year's Eve I had intimate relations with a bottle of vodka.
But. No hangover.
Here's how it works.
I woke up around 1 pm and, sensing my wife was upset, I approached her to find out what was wrong.
We had a very sobering conversation about my behaviour.
Boy, I felt great afterwards. That's because I had no choice.
And sleeping in the garage on bags of cement mix for a week wasn't that bad. Always liked a firm mattress.
For it to work, you have to get married.
But. No hangover.
Here's how it works.
I woke up around 1 pm and, sensing my wife was upset, I approached her to find out what was wrong.
We had a very sobering conversation about my behaviour.
Boy, I felt great afterwards. That's because I had no choice.
And sleeping in the garage on bags of cement mix for a week wasn't that bad. Always liked a firm mattress.
For it to work, you have to get married.
Saturday, 4 January 2020
Helloooo Newman: Change Your Brain
Helloooo Newman: Change Your Brain: I went to a neurologist for help on changing my brain's wiring, but he said they won't touch knob and tube.
Change Your Brain
I went to a neurologist for help on changing my brain's wiring,
but he said they won't touch knob and tube.
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