Helloooo Newman: Phone Lines are Open : Bad news, folks. Helloooo Newman's popularity is sinking. Fast. And we're wondering why. ...

Bad news, folks. Helloooo Newman's popularity is sinking. Fast. And we're wondering why. Think of our blog like it's a McDona...

Helloooo Newman: EIEIO : Our hugely successful dog business has just been through a reorg. My wife was named CEO, CFO, COO, CBDO, CMO, CIO...

Helloooo Newman: EIEIO : Our hugely successful dog business has just been through a reorg. My wife was named CEO, CFO, COO, CBDO, CMO, CIO...

Our hugely successful dog business has just been through a reorg. My wife was named CEO, CFO, COO, CBDO, CMO, CIO, CCO, CLO and finally, C...

Helloooo Newman: Dying is Easy : Writing quality comedy is hard. People tell me that I shouldn't laugh at my own jokes, and then they ...

Writing quality comedy is hard. People tell me that I shouldn't laugh at my own jokes, and then they say I should only write what make...

Helloooo Newman: Days Are Numbered : I looked at a calendar today and thought, shit, my days are numbered.

I looked at a calendar today and thought, shit, my days are numbered.

Helloooo Newman: Me Neither : You ever been at a friend's party and everyone gets drunk and then your friend starts showing everybody cl...

You ever been at a friend's party and everyone gets drunk and then your friend starts showing everybody clips from his online porn colle...

Helloooo Newman: No Answer : French President Macron decries nationalism. His calls to Quebec go unanswered.

French President Macron decries nationalism. His calls to Quebec politicians go unanswered. "Hey Ernie, gimme two macrons with whipp...

Helloooo Newman: Still Downloading : Downloading: The universe Reputable scientists suggest the universe might be a vast computer app. ...

Downloading: The universe Reputable scientists suggest the universe might be a vast computer app. Maybe the reason the world is so me...

Helloooo Newman: Pursue Your Dreams : People tell me that if I have a dream, I should do everything I can to pursue it. If I have a dream, t...

People tell me that if I have a dream, I should do everything I can to pursue it. If I have a dream, that means I'm asleep. There will b...

Helloooo Newman: Masterbates : Mastercard is offering a new rebate program called masterbates.

Mastercard is offering a new rebate program called masterbates.

Helloooo Newman: Santa Clause : I wonder if the elves who work for Santa Clause had to sign a non-compete clause.

I wonder if the elves who work for Santa Clause had to sign a non-compete clause.

Helloooo Newman: Daylight Savings : You know what bugs me most about daylight savings? Changing my sundial. Damn thing is made of stone.

You know what bugs me most about daylight savings? Changing my sundial. Damn thing is made of stone.

Helloooo Newman: Pain in the Back : Boy, my back has been hurting these last few weeks. Putting my socks on reminds me of a Cirque du Soleil...

Boy, my back has been hurting these last few weeks. Putting my socks on reminds me of a Cirque du Soleil show. Finally, I found treatment....

Helloooo Newman: Tapping into God : I'm recording all my conversations with God. Just in case there's trouble for me getting into He...

I'm recording all my conversations with God. Just in case there's trouble for me getting into Heaven. Might have to litigate. Don...

Helloooo Newman: Halloween The Conway Way : Kellyanne Conway's kids have decided to go for the real horror this Halloween and wear their...

Kellyanne Conway's kids have decided to go for the real horror this Halloween and wear their mommy masks.

Helloooo Newman: Fruits and Veggies : A new study, more important than any previous study, has concluded that there are not enough fruits an...

A new study, more important than any previous study, has concluded that there are not enough fruits and vegetables for everyone on the plane...

Helloooo Newman: Wake Study : Scientists keep studying why we sleep. I want to study why we bother being awake.

Scientists keep studying why we sleep. I want to study why we bother being awake.

Helloooo Newman: Recent Events : Due to recent events, all future events are cancelled.

Due to recent events, all future events are cancelled.

Helloooo Newman: Spic and Span : I'm never sure at which point in the cleaning process I achieve both spic and span. I guess it would b...

I'm never sure at which point in the cleaning process I achieve both spic and span. I guess it would be useful to know what the hell...

Helloooo Newman: Daughter – Got 'er : I was eating dinner with my teen daughter and at the end of the meal she asked, "May I be exc...

I was eating dinner with my teen daughter and at the end of the meal she asked, "May I be excused?" in a really polite fashion. ...

Helloooo Newman: Halloween : For Halloween this year I was going to put piece of human skeleton in our planters. Then I thought, okay, too...

For Halloween this year I was going to put pieces of human skeleton in our planters. Then I thought, okay, maybe too soon.

Helloooo Newman: Homo : Archeologists have discovered a new ancient human-like species buried in a far away cave called Homo Milk. The def...

Archeologists have discovered a new ancient human-like species buried in a far away cave called Homo Milk. The defining feature of this sp...

Helloooo Newman: Dog Peeve : When I'm walking dogs, one thing I really hate is dog owners who yell across the street at me, "Hi. Ca...

When I'm walking dogs, one thing I really hate is dog owners who yell across the street at me, "Hi. Can my dog say hello to your do...

Helloooo Newman: Interest Rates are Increasing : Canada is enjoying weed so much that even the interest rates are getting high.

Canada is enjoying weed so much that even the interest rates are getting high.

Helloooo Newman: Gaudy Arabia : Great news from the Kingdom. No, not Heaven. Saudi Arabia. Women can drive. No permission needed from hubb...

Great news from the Kingdom. No, not Heaven. Even mightier. Saudi Arabia. Women can drive. No permission needed from hubby, who's too ...

Helloooo Newman: There is no God : Stephen Hawking, just before he died, wrote in his last book, "There is no God. No one directs the u...