Helloooo Newman: Well, now I feel really connected to the universe.... : I was on LinkedIn the other day and I got a message from God. He wa...

I was on LinkedIn the other day and I got a message from God. He wants to connect with me. Oh my God…I mean, "Him", I said to my...

Helloooo Newman: High Pressure Jobs I Don't Want : I remember it like it was yesterday, but I'm talking about the early 80s. I was...

I remember it like it was yesterday, but I'm talking about the early 80s. I was discussing good career choices with a friend. I had my...

Helloooo Newman: The Ultimate Password : One day I died and went to Heaven. I was waiting patiently by the gates. As with everything in th...

One day I died and went to Heaven. I was waiting patiently by the gates. As with everything in this world, there was a huge lineup. Thankf...

Helloooo Newman: This Crow Tastes Terrible : On this blog, from time to time, I have poked fun at food, diets, gluten, eating fads (though I...

On this blog, from time to time, I have poked fun at food, diets, gluten, eating fads (though I have never called anyone a faddy to their fa...

Helloooo Newman: The Unwritten Self Help Book : I was crammed on the subway today and I kept myself busy reading a poster. I guess I had no ...

I was crammed on the subway today and I kept myself busy reading a poster. I guess I had no choice, since my face was pressed firmly into it...

Helloooo Newman: Whatever happened to the APB? : Do you remember what an APB is? Or was? I know, there are so many acronyms out there nowa...

Do you remember what an APB is? Or was? I know, there are so many acronyms out there nowadays. Even GOD is an acronym – Goofing Off Deity....

Helloooo Newman: The Secret? : Why is it that when we interview really old people, we always ask them about their secret to a long life? I...

Why is it that when we interview old people, we always ask them about their secret to a long life? It's as if they have some clue as t...

Helloooo Newman: Life is Full of Compromise : Yesterday Newman and I followed our regular schedule of going to play on the driveway at 9:30 ...

Yesterday Newman and I followed our regular schedule of going to play on the driveway at 9:30 a.m. Why 9:30? Why not earlier? Thank you fo...

Helloooo Newman: Beaver Anal Secretions : Well, I had to get your attention somehow! Readership is down, so I'm left spending my days ...

I apologize for the crassness of the Title, but I had to get your attention somehow! Readership is down, so I'm left spending my days ...

Helloooo Newman: The Old Pi in the Face Gag : It was Pi Day about a week ago. I can't remember which day exactly because I'm still c...

It was Pi Day about a week ago. I can't remember which day exactly because I'm still calculating the number. I'm on the one mill...

Helloooo Newman: Introducing Lou Festig : I might try my hand at fiction. Okay, really I'd be trying my fingers at it. I type these arti...

I might try my hand at fiction. Okay, really I'd be trying my fingers at it. I type these articles with my fingers, you know. One coul...

Helloooo Newman: Hair Force One : The sound sputters to life slowly at first, pausing, shy, almost apologetic. It comes to full life quick...

The sound sputters to life slowly at first, pausing, shy, almost apologetic. It comes to full life quickly as thrust power is delivered to...

Helloooo Newman: Starbucking the Trend : I'm finally ready to open my Starbucks franchise. I had to get some things straight in my hea...

I'm finally ready to open my Starbucks franchise. I had to get some things straight in my head before I took this leap. My Starbucks...

Helloooo Newman: Not a Cakewalk by Any Means : I've been practicing my texting while walking – down at the St. Lawrence market, among th...

Helloooo Newman: Not a Cakewalk by Any Means : I've been practicing my texting while walking – down at the St. Lawrence market, among th...

I've been practicing my texting while walking – down at the St. Lawrence market, among the hordes. I'm not a 14-year-old, powder-f...

Do you know how I can tell that a job isn't for me? When the job description starts out with brilliantly written lines like, "you...

Helloooo Newman: Pushing the Envelope Aside: The SASE : In my never-ending quest for fame and riches as a writer, I came across something od...

Helloooo Newman: Pushing the Envelope Aside: The SASE : In my never-ending quest for fame and riches as a writer, I came across something od...

In my never-ending quest for fame and riches as a writer, I came across something odd, maybe quaint, definitely annoying, as I was searching...

Helloooo Newman: Golf : I don't understand golf. I know, I'm male, so all my DNA should be pushing me towards lowering my golf sco...

Helloooo Newman: Golf : I don't understand golf. I know, I'm male, so all my DNA should be pushing me towards lowering my golf sco...

I don't understand golf. I know, I'm male, so all my DNA should be pushing me towards lowering my golf score. Salmon go upstream, ...

Dear Reader. Yes, I revere you far more than North Koreans revere their "Dear Leader", Kim Jong Un-human. I am all wet today. ...

Helloooo Newman: Minding your Pees and Cues : Entering a public washroom is always full of terror and tough decisions. 11:30 a.m. and it w...

Entering a public washroom is always fraught with terror and tough decisions. 11:30 a.m. and it was time to pee. "NOW, PLEASE!",...

Helloooo Newman: A Real Paul Buster : Do you know the hardest thing about being a famous writer? Is it the demands of my editors? Hey Paul...

Do you know the hardest thing about being a famous writer? Is it the demands of my editors? Hey Paul, only a small group of people were of...

Helloooo Newman: Ebolarama : For the last sleepless 48 hours, since I found out one of my articles will be published, I've been braining...

For the last sleepless 48 hours, since I found out one of my articles will be published, I've been braining heavily on my fame – how it ...

Helloooo Newman: Eating More Slow Food : As I rapidly age, quickly heading towards THE END , I find that three things in my life are slowing...

As I rapidly age, quickly heading towards THE END , I find that three things in my life are slowing down. My Body. My mind. And my food. ...

Last week I visited my very old high school, which is now a brand new high school, and found out one of my closest friends received a univer...

Helloooo Newman: Talk To You escaLATER : Here's an interesting topic I must confess I've never given much thought. Until this Christ...

Here's an interesting topic I must confess I've never given much thought. Until this Christmas. When you step onto an escalator, w...

Helloooo Newman: Idearrhea : Idearrhea is a word I am proud to have coined several years ago in a speech I gave at Toastmasters. At least...